Hellsing: Operation Twilight
by Alex McM
Summary: Alucard discovers the most vile of abominations...the Twilight movie! The word Vampire is becoming tainted and it's up to the world's greatest TRUE vampire to end the horror once and for all! That's right...Twilight...must DIE!
1. Twilight Crazy

**HELLSING: OPERATION TWILIGHT**

I'm gonna come right out with it. I fucking hate Twilight! I hate it so much and Alucard feels the same way. Please review, but no flames. I know there are probably more than a few Twilight fans that have read up to this sentence, but I'm warning you...You should probably stop now! Your teenage heart-throbs have no place in the spotlight...only the obituaries! Anyway, I got this idea with a little assistance from my brother. We both thought it would be good, so here it goes...

**Twilight Crazy**

LONDON, ENGLAND

After a long day, fighting his way through a sea of weak ghouls, only to confront an even weaker 'vampire', Alucard was feeling very tired. He walked through the streets of London, the collar of his red trench-coat up full. His wide brimmed hat cast a shadow over his face, only leaving his orange tinted glasses visible. He strolled through the crowds, attracting a few suspicious glares from onlookers.

He stopped outside the movie theatre. Posters for the Twilight movie were placed on every wall, leaving no spare room for anything non-Twilight. He ignored it, until he skimmed over the word 'vampire'.

"Hmm. This sounds interesting..." Alucard retraced his steps and went inside. The lobby floor was sticky and the room was dimly lit. The line consisted of hundreds of teenage girls, but not much else. Alucard waited impatiently, stroking his Jackal, considering a quite literal 'cut-in-line'. At long last, he arrived at the ticket salesman. "Twilight, please." He spoke in a deep voice which startled the man. He stared at Alucard and then sighed, handing him a ticket.

"That'll be twelve pounds."

"Thank you." Alucard walked off without paying.

"Hey! You have to pay for the ticket!! Come back here or I'll-" The man froze in place when the barrel of an unimaginably huge pistol poked him in the forehead.

"What _will _you do?" Alucard asked, a fanged smile crossing his ancient lips.

The man made a noise like a tea kettle and stepped back. "Enjoy the movie sir!" He squealed in a high pitched voice. Alucard turned away, ignoring the man as he ran into the bathroom.

Alucard stopped at another line. This line was to get into the screening room. He growled at the girl in front of him and she turned around to stare at him.

"Calm down!"

Alucard bared his fangs and nearly attacked, but he heard footsteps from behind.

"_You _wanted to watch this?!" Alucard spun slowly on his heels to face a young blonde woman with large breasts. Her red eyes focused solely on the vampire master as he focused on her.

"Police girl..."

"What is it?"

"It is my hobby to watch films such as this. I love to see the imagination of humans. It is always so funny to see them take down a vampire with a mere piece of wood. It brings a smile to my face!" Alucard grinned, his wicked fangs glistening in the weak light.

"Ok..." Seras looked to the floor, when all of a sudden her eyes fluttered open and she shoved a large tub of popcorn into his face. "Want some? I'll never eat it all!"

"I'm fine, unless you have any blood p-"

"NO!" Seras roared angrily. "I told you! I won't drink blood!" The people in front were suddenly watching the awkward conversation. "He he...Hello." Seras waved at the onlookers. "The cinema's that way!" She pointed ahead of them, her face shining redder than blood. The crowd shrugged and went inside. The floor was even stickier. Alucard's boots repeatedly got stuck on the floor, forcing him to exert more energy in his steps. He sat down in the middle row, in the centre. Seras sat beside him, smiling.

"You know...this is sort of like a date!" She giggled suggestively.

"Hardly!" Alucard shattered her fantasy in seconds. "I never even knew you were here."

"Never mind then..." Seras looked at her popcorn. A loud rumble startled her. She shot up as if she were sitting on springs. "It's about to start!!" The female portion of the audience, which was exactly 98% cheered and called out. A few lost men made forced cheers, raising their fists lazily.

Then...it started!

*****

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

"Where are the vampires?" Alucard whispered.

"Right there! That handsome guy! Edward!" Seras pointed to a weak looking man on-screen.

"No he's not! And he certainly isn't handsome! He's lighter than snow! He'd get sunburn from a rainy day!" Alucard raised his voice enough to provoke curses and angry roars from the ring of women who surrounded him. He roared at them to shut up and silence continued.

"Well, he can't be a vampire!" Alucard waved a hand at another weak looking man, also with a reverse tan and a soft expression.

"Yes he is! He's the bad guy!" Seras explained simply.

"Him!! Bad?! What is wrong with you people! He couldn't even beat a kitten in a fight!!" Alucard rose to his feet and continued to raise his voice.

"Shut up!!"

"Sit down!!"

Alucard glared at the people and they pretended not to have said anything. Alucard turned back to the screen, watching for another four minutes, until he reached boiling point.

"!!!" Alucard whipped out his Jackal and emptied the whole clip into the screen. People in the audience screamed and the women ran away. "THIS IS A TRUE VAMPIRE!!! NOT THIS TRAVESTY!" Alucard roared and a multi-eyed dog burst forth from his shoulder. The beast went through the screen and tore it to pieces.

Seras hid behind a row of chairs, ducking under the debris getting thrown about.

"I...HATE...TWILIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHT!!!" Alucard began to breathe raggedly, his shoulders heaving excessively.

"Alucard...Master...Are you alright?" Seras rose from behind the chair, fear in her eyes.

"No!! I'm not alright!! I have witnessed the ultimate crime against my kind! I must take action!!" Alucard thrust a fist into the air and laughed insanely like a Russian Revolutionary.

"Action? What do you mean?" Seras crept closer to the mad blood-sucker.

Alucard turned slowly. His hair was standing straight up, like a network of branches from his head. Eyes sprouted like hideous flowers. His own eyes were wide, his pupils small. His fangs were dripping with saliva and his face was contorted with rage.

"Twilight...It....It...It...Must die!! Yes...It must be stopped! I must stops it I musts!" His head slowly tilted to one side as he whispered the words harshly. He snarled like an animal and then morphed into a group of bats. They flew out of the room, leaving a confused and terrified Seras behind.

You heard him! Bring it on Twilight fans!! Fight us and die!! I hope you see the light now!


	2. New Moon, Fresh Corpses

**New Moon, Fresh Corpses**

The following chapter contains slight torture scenes and much gore. Don't enjoy it too much! Please read and review!

Alucard stood alone outside Paramount studios, his wide brimmed hat shading him from the bright lights that flashed even though it was daytime. He grimaced at the posters for the Twilight movie. He was drained from his teleportation all the way to America, but it would soon be worth the trouble. He walked dup to the barricade which lowered at his arrival.

"Excuse me sir, this is an authorized area! I need to see your access pass." A young man shoved his hand into Alucard's face.

"Here." Alucard shot the man in the head, sending brain matter everywhere in the small cubicle he worked in. The body slumped backwards, hitting the button to raise the barricade. Alucard strolled in, his wicked smile growing. He loaded a fresh clip into his Jackal and followed the trail of posters to the Twilight set.

Meanwhile, at Hellsing HQ, Seras confronted an irate Miss Integra Hellsing.

"So...let me see if I understand..." Integra swilled wine in a glass as she spoke. "You went to the cinema, to watch a movie?" Seras nodded, he face blushing. "Alucard freaked out and scared everyone off, then flew away?"

"Yes Ma'am." Seras couldn't meet the gaze of her superior.

"What was the movie?" Integra asked.

"Well, it was...Twilight." Seras admitted, almost ashamedly.

"Oh God save the Queen!" Integra blurted, avoiding cursing. "Why would you do that?!"

"He wanted to see it. He said he enjoyed watching humans create stupid vampire myths!" Seras roared defensively. "Anyway, what' wrong with the movie?"

Integra's eyes narrowed. "Are you serious?"

"About what?"

"Did you like the film?" Integra queried.

"Well...sort of." Seras brushed her hair with a hand nervously.

Integra pressed a button on an intercom and it buzzed. "Have Seras put in the isolation room." She commanded.

"Huh?" Seras looked around as a group of guards swarmed in. "Hey! I didn't do anything!! What are you doing?!" Seras screamed as she was dragged away.

Integra gazed out the window at the city below. "Oh well...Alucard isn't here...we should be safe."

Alucard stopped outside a trailer. Posters for the cursed film were plastered on the front wall. Alucard studied the name on the trailer: 'Victoria' He opened the door, surprisingly it was unlocked.

A woman with red hair studied him curiously. "Are you from wardrobe?" Alucard responded by throwing her into the wall. She groaned as she got back up. "What's your problem?! Who are you?!"

"A vampire!" Alucard muttered. He removed his tinted glasses and glared at the woman. "Are you?"

The girl giggled and smiled. "Of course! Didn't you see the film?"

"Unfortunately I did."

"What?" The girl was about to move, but her foot suddenly shattered. Alucard blew her foot to pieces with only one shot. The girl tripped over and cried out in pain.

"Go on, heal!" Alucard commanded.

"I can't heal!!" She screamed.

"Well you _are _a vampire aren't you?" Alucard crept ever closer to her.

"Okay! It was a lie! I'm not a vampire!! I was just lying!!" She sobbed like a lost child and Alucard lowered his gun.

"Well, I won't kill you for not being a vampire!" Alucard mumble.

"Oh, thank you, thank you!!" She suddenly felt the large barrel press itself into her mouth. Her eyes widened.

"I will kill you for lying though!" Alucard pulled the trigger and watched her head scatter about the room. He remarkably was untouched by the splatter and left quickly, whistling to himself.

The next trailer was marked: 'Jasper'

Alucard knocked politely and a man opened the door. He glared at Alucard. "You look very angry." He muttered. He concentrated hard on the No life king, arousing the true vampire to cock his head curiously.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm trying to manipulate your emotions...stop you from being angry. I can, I'm a vampire!" Jasper explained.

"Really?" Alucard beamed.

"Yep!"

"You know...your power worked! I'm no longer enraged, I'm curious." Alucard dragged the man out into the fresh air. "If you're a vampire...where are your fangs?" Alucard forced Jaspers mouth open wide, almost breaking it. Jasper made stupid noises as Alucard felt the boy's teeth. "Where are your fangs?! Maybe I need to pull them out!" Alucard gripped an incisor and wrenched it out of the boy's mouth. Jasper howled and collapsed to the ground as Alucard studied the small tooth.

"These are no sharper than those of a cat! You are worthless! I'll show you fangs!!" Alucard bit into Jaspers thin arms, the tip of his fang appeared on the underside of the arm. Alucard bit down and tore off the arm from the elbow. Jasper rolled around crying. "Right through! That is what fangs are supposed to do!" Alucard then subsequently drained the blood from the severed limb, coughing and glaring distastefully at it. "Disgusting!" Alucard hurled it at a bin, making the shot. "Even urine has a nicer flavour to that!"

Jasper stopped moving. Alucard gave him a quick inspection and sighed. "Bled to death already...pathetic!" He stepped over the large puddle and continued on his vicious rampage.

Alucard looked to the side, watching a group of young people chatting about how good the movie is. They went inside, but Alucard still watched the spot where they used to be. He bumped into something and turned angrily to face a pretty young lady. She was carrying a cup of coffee which had spilled onto her dress.

"You idiot! How am I supposed to be the most beautiful of all vampires when I have such a hideous stain?!"

"Vampire?" Alucard's eyebrows rose.

"Yes! If you're on the set, you must be familiar with this movie by now! I'm Rosalie, the most important character." She sounded quite narcissistic.

"You are beautiful...but you know what would look terrible?"

"What?" She squinted at him, as if the answer was written in fine print on his face. Alucard scratched her on the face, digging ugly, bleeding trenches in her pale cheeks. "AAAGGGHHH!! What was that for you jerk?!"

"Oh no! What an awful wound! I guess I'm the most beautiful vampire now." Alucard laughed hysterically.

"What are you on?! You aren't a vampire! You're just some loony!"

Alucard's body turned to a flickering mass of shadows, covered in fanged mouths and eyes. "What?! I am a vampire! And I'm so beautiful!! Just look at my perfect body!!" Alucard was no longer the shape of a human, but a constantly shifting blood of darkness with a hundred mouths and twice as many eyes. Rosalie screamed, but the noise was muffled when the cloud of evil swallowed her whole. After thirty seconds, bones began to be spat out. A minute later, the most powerful vampire in the world was back in human form. He picked more bones out of his teeth as he left the bloody pile of bones behind.

"Hello young man! Are you lost?" A middle aged woman approached him. "I'm Esme Cullen, what's your name?" Alucard glared hatefully at her.

"You said Cullen? Are you one of them?"

"I know what you're talking about. Yes, I am."

"Good!" Alucard fired three shots. The first blew a hole the size of a basketball in her stomach. The second blew the top half of her head off. The third hit her midsection again, causing the mutilated mess to split in half. Alucard's eyes narrowed and his pupils became small again.

"The supports casts is deads!! Soon...Soon...They all wills die!!"

UNDERGROUND ISOLATION CELL

"I didn't say I liked the damn movie!! I said it was sort of okay!! That doesn't mean yes!! Well, it kind of does, but not fully!! Can anyone hear me?! Hello?!" Seras sighed and sat back down on the floor.

"DAMMIT!!! I HATE YOU STEPHANIE MEYERS!!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!"

Supporting roles are down...only a few Cullens left! Soon, the showdown with Edward!! Who will win? Well that's pretty obvious, but how F*** up will Edward get?


	3. The Hunt Is On

**The Hunt Is On**

Alucard, nowhere near tired of his vicious, homicidal rampage had now wandered into the room of another actor. He glared at the name on the door: 'Emmet Cullen'. Alucard knocked and waited patiently.

A tall muscular man with short curly hair slipped outside. "Yes?"

"Are you a vampire?" Alucard asked, struggling to conceal his fanged smile.

"Of course...the strongest too." The man crossed his arms and made a smug face.

"Want to test that claim?" Alucard asked devilishly. He pulled out his jackal and the man grabbed Alucard's arm, twisting it far enough to snap it. He expected Alucard to roar in pain, but instead, he chuckled. "What was that? Fight me for real!" Alucard shoved the man into the wall and shot him in the stomach.

Emmet fell to his knees and groaned as blood seeped through his teeth. "What the hell?!"

"A real vampire would laugh at such small wounds!" Alucard turned the gun on himself and fired into his own face. Emmet screamed in a shrill voice and crawled up to the far wall, staring at the headless body which still stood firmly on two feet. An eerie chuckle escaped from where Alucard's lips used to be. The shadowy flames burst out of his neck and soon a giant eye replaced his head.

"What the fuck are you?!" Emmet pointed an accusing finger at the immense eyeball. The pupil shifted and suddenly the black spot became a fanged mouth. "AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!!"

"What's so scary? If you truly are a vampire, then you can do the same!"

"Hell no!! You aren't a vampire!! You're a freak!! A FREAK!!!" Emmet cried like an infant while Alucard's head reformed.

"I am no freak. If anything, it is you, who is a freak. You are nothing like a true nosferatu! You are only a child, playing with things he does not understand!"

"Shut up!!" Emmet charged at Alucard, slamming his fist into his stomach. His fist went straight through, spurting out of the ancient vampires back. Alucard reached around to his back and grabbed Emmet's hand. He then broke every finger on his hand. Emmet howled in agony as Alucard then broke his wrist, moving on to the arm. Emmet fell back, grasping his twisted arm.

"I'm tired of playing with you!" Alucard placed two fingers on the top of Emmet's head. He then twisted them 180 degrees, incidentally snapping Emmet's neck. His body slumped uselessly to the floor and Alucard strolled of, hands in his pockets, whistling a merry tune.

LONDON

Seras stared at the dozen people surrounding her. She only knew one of them, Miss Integra Hellsing. They men all had bristly moustaches and wore business suits.

"Miss Victoria, it is due to your actions that Alucard has disappeared. It is therefore, your duty to rectify the mistake, find him and bring the bastard back to England!" Integra frowned at the blonde police girl. "And don't you dare buy that DVD or I will have your head!"

"I never planned to anyway!" Seras yelled defensively. "Just let me out of here!!" The door was unlocked and she ran out. She resisted the urge to punch her superior in the face.

"We've located Alucard. He's at a movie studio in the US."

"A movie studio?" Seras cocked her head.

"It was where they filmed the Twilight movie!" Integra roared. Seras gasped.

"No! He said he would kill Twilight! He must plan on wiping out everyone there!!"

"Exactly. They are shooting the second movie already, so the entire cast is there. He's planning on destroying anyone and anything involved with those god-awful films!" Integra took a drag on a large cigar. "But...You're going to stop him!"

"What? How do I stop Alucard?!" Seras trembled at the thought of trying to fight her master.

"I don't know. But you will stop him! The plane is ready, leave as soon as possible."

"But...how much time do I have?!" Seras asked.

Alucard lapped up the deep red puddle that formed around the corpse of Carlisle Cullen. It tasted awful, but it was still blood, and the vampire was starving!

He drank for two hours, until he was full. Now rejuvenated, the 'No life king' felt the need to take down another pathetic vampire. He walked casually through the winding corridors of the studio, ignoring the fact he was drenched in the stale, tasteless blood of several Cullen's.

"Get out of here now!! I'm not joking!! He will kill you all!!" It was a female voice...a familiar female voice... "Run you stupid faggot!! Oh, I'm sorry! That wasn't meant to slip out, but just go!"

Alucard ran to where the screaming was coming from. It was a blonde girl wearing a blue skirt and a blue shirt. She also had knee-high black leather boots and...Her name was-

"Police girl?!" Alucard's voice almost cracked as he said it. She turned to face him and the colour from her face drained instantly.

"Ma-ma-ma-master...what...a surprise!" The word surprise came out as a hysterical shriek. Her eyes were wide and her knees were shaking.

"What did you do?!" Alucard roared.

"I was ordered to save them...please don't kill me! It was Lady Integra's orders!!" She fell to her knees and shielded her face with her hands. She was sobbing now. Alucard sighed and ambled over to her, his boots clicking on the linoleum floor.

"I would never hurt you..." Alucard took her hand and gently lifted her back to her feet. "I only want to kill those pathetic vampire posers!" A vein popped up on his forehead as he reminded himself of his prey. "I was going to finish this off quickly! Now you've let them run away! Now I have to hunt them down and-" He stopped and chuckled. "Hmm. Now I can make a game of it...These Cullens can prove to me they are worthy to live..._If, _they can escape me!"

"Please...You can't kill any more! This is wrong!"

"Me? Wrong? Ha ha! What a foolish thing to say! Those bastards are wrong! They are the ones trying to make vampires a laughing stock! They make vampires look like cuddly creatures that will gently kiss your neck rather than tear it from your shoulders!"

The mental image made Seras shudder. "But...You've killed enough of them! They have learned their lesson."

"I have only killed six of them."

"SIX?! How did you do it that fast?! I've only been on a jet ride for an hour!" Seras was screaming so loud that executives and security were beginning to arrive.

"Oh please! This is easier than shooting fish in a barrel. So far only one of them has even hit me, and he did less damage than a kitten could!" Alucard grinned, revealing blood-flecked teeth.

"Hey buddy! Put down the gun and raise your hands in the air!" A trio of security guards approached from the front. Two came from behind and one from each side.

"You've done it now..." Seras muttered putting her hands in the air. Alucard frowned at her and then waited for the police to surround him. Two guards held his arms while a third put on handcuffs. Alucard closed his eyes and his arms became wolfen heads with multiple beady eyes. The guards restraining him both screamed as their hands were torn off by the aggressive beasts. They fell back waving their bloodied stumps as they pumped blood out like a water fountain with red ink in it.

The one with the handcuffs stepped back, only to have one of the beasts latch onto his throat and crush his windpipe with its sharp fangs. He crumpled in a heap and his eyes rolled back. Seras covered her mouth, holding back vomit. She could stand to watch undead ghouls be treated like this...but normal humans dying in such ways made her feel queasy.

The two handless guards bled to death as the other four opened fire. The pistol bullets cut through the vampire as if his flesh were butter. One went through his left eye and came out the back of his head, throwing out bits of Alucard's sadistic minded brain. The No-Life-King tripped on his own feet and landed in a deep red puddle. Seras screamed for a few seconds before remembering his little trick, well, little was an understatement.

The blood began to steam and it turned black, like tar, slowly flowing together before forming a shape, the shape of a hand grasping a large pistol. Alucard fired twice, making one of the guards fall apart into four pieces. He then formed another arm and finally a head. His missing eye rolled into place and he laughed insanely as two guards ran off, leaving the last man behind. The man fell to his knees and dropped his gun.

"What are you...?!"

"I am...A true vampire!" Alucard grabbed the man by the head and hurled him into the wall. The guard's neck snapped on impact and he fell to the floor with a loud thud, never to rise again.

Alucard frowned at his fledgling who was emptying her stomach. He stepped back when the murky puddle spread close to his boots. He looked around at the carnage he created and grinned.

"I'm hungry! What about you, Police Girl?" He chuckled insanely as she retched again. "Oh, the game has started! I'm so excited!" Alucard's face twitched and his head would snap to one side as his shoulders lifted in a strange, psychotic spasm.

"Are you alright?" Seras asked as she rose unsteadily.

"I'm fine! I've got a five course meal in front of me!" Seras was about to ask what he meant until she counted the dead guards. There were five of them. Seras ran around the corner and threw up while Alucard ate his hideous lunch.

Oh no! THe Cullens think they have escaped, but Alucard is right on their tail! Will any of them survive?! Who is next? Find out in the next chapter!

Please review! Thanks to all those who have, your support has made it that much easier to write this story.


	4. Round 1: Furry Foe

**Round One: Furry Foe**

Alucard ignored the screams of those who had discovered his grisly encounter with the guards and set onto the hunt for the last of the Twilight scum. He could make out wolfen footprints in the gravel outside. Seras followed close behind, her face pale after seeing him annihilate normal humans.

"We're close. I can smell him!" Alucard sniffed the air and waved the barrel of his oversized pistol around; eyeing the forest he had walked into. The forest reached to the back of the studio. It was fenced off, but the fresh cuts through it were an obvious sign of an escape route.

"Master...couldn't you just forget about this and go home?" Seras asked. She knew the answer, but wouldn't accept it until she heard him say it.

"No, Police girl. I will not stop until I am finished." Alucard licked his lips. "He's coming straight for us now! A head on charge? This might be interesting!"

A loud howl echoed through the forest. Seras shuddered while her master chuckled. "Come! Face me you freak!"

The request was answered. A large black wolf dived out between the trees and latched it's fangs onto Alucard's throat. Alucard laughed, as if the crushing of his windpipe was tickling him. He effortlessly grabbed the hound by the scruff of the neck and threw him into a tree truck. The wolf reverted to human form, an unremarkable teenager with a weak face.

"No wonder your fangs lacked strength. You're only a child! Those are baby teeth at best. Try again, and this time, don't hold back!"

"Screw you! What the hell are you anyway?!" The boy demanded.

"I am a vampire...A real vampire!" The sadistic Nosferatu said proudly.

"You aren't like the others..." The boy muttered.

"What is your name, mutt?" Alucard asked harshly.

"Jacob..." The boy tensed.

"Come Jacob; throw everything you've got at me!" Alucard stretched his arms out, as if he expected a hug. Jacob took the chance and lunged, morphing into a wolf in mid-air. His claws raked across Alucard's chest, tearing his black vest and red trench-coat. He chuckled as Jacob lashed out with an unseen ferocity. "Yes! Yes! Kill me! Tear out my guts! Cut me into pieces!! Eat my face!! Come on!! KILL ME!!!" Jacob tore through the muscle on Alucard's left calf, managing to sever the leg at the knee. Alucard hopped around until Jacob punched him with a clawed fist. The vampire soared into a tree and laughed when blood trickled out of his mouth and nose.

"Damn it! Why won't you die?!" Jacob roared and charged head on again. Alucard back-handed the wolf and sent him rolling through the dirt, nearly colliding with Seras who was cowering behind a rock.

"Now now! Don't let a little slap keep you down! Finish me!! Butcher me!!" Alucard beckoned the wolf-boy to claim his life. The boy agreed, regaining his footing and charging again. Alucard karate chopped the beast under the neck, hurling him into the air. He then grabbed the creature by a tuft of hair and drove him into the ground. "Hurry up! Fight for real!! Hit me!!" Alucard's pupils were tiny dots, yet his eyes were wide. He was a complete maniac. His hair flopped loosely around his face, some clumped together with dirt and blood.

The wolf scratched Alucard's one remaining leg and he tripped over. Jacob then pounced onto Alucard's chest, firstly howling in his face before setting his fangs on the vampire's torso. Flesh was sent flying in all directions as Alucard's pale flesh was cut apart by the boy's claws. Alucard laughed insanely while the boy hacked further, scraping at his ribcage.

"DIE ALREADY!!" Jacob roared.

Alucard closed his eyes and sighed. "That's enough." He lifted an arm and grabbed the wolf's snout, holding it shut. He then brought his face right up to the yellow eyes of his foe. "Now it's my turn!" He head butted the werewolf and then crawled onto his knees. His internal organs barely stayed in his body after all the damage, but he healed it enough to hold them in place. He then healed his legs so he could stand.

"You...can heal?!" Jacob asked breathlessly.

"Yes. I am much more powerful than any vampire you have ever faced. Those Cullens don't even know the meaning of the word Vampire! Now, let's see how long you can last!" Alucard sent a roundhouse kick into the wolf's side, knocking him into a tree trunk. The boy changed back into a human and then ran forward, fists raised. He landed a heavy punch into Alucard's jaw, sending him staggering back, but the No-Life-King sent a thunderous punch right back at him, throwing the boy into a tree so hard that it fell with him.

"Ha! This has been my best fight all day! This is excellent!" The wounded vampire spat out blood before thrusting his elbow into Jacobs gut. The boy grunted but responded by placing Alucard in a headlock. He wrenched the vampires head sharply to the side and it snapped. Alucard's eyes widened and he fell back against another tree, standing there, frozen.

"He's...He's dead!" Jacob fell to his knees and grinned. His celebration ended there.

Alucard laughed wickedly. His head was on a horizontal angle and his neck was broken beyond repair, but he was walking around and smiling. "My neck has been weakened! Tear it off!"

"What the fuck?! How am I supposed to defeat this thing?!"

"Do not think, just act!" Alucard roared. "Be careful! There's still some fight left in me!" He stumbled awkwardly towards Jacob in the manner of a zombie. The boy changed into a wolf and jumped into the air. He clasped his jaws around Alucard's head and held on as he leapt over the body. The head came off and the vampire laughed insanely.

"HA HA!! You did it!! Now-" Jacob bit down on the head, crushing the skull and forcing brain matter to ooze out between his teeth as if it was a spaghetti machine. A single eye dropped out of his mouth and rolled into the dirt. Jacob howled victoriously when the body fell apart and became a tarry pool before him.

His eyes narrowed when the eye started to move by itself. It rolled into the centre of the gooey black soup and then stared right at the wolf-boy.

"What the...?!" Jacobs's lupine eyes lost their ferocious glow and his fanged jaws dropped.

"Ha ha ha ha..." The laughter seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It was firstly quiet, but it slowly became louder. "Aha ha ha ha ha!"

"Shut up!"

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!" It was getting louder still, and more insane as every second ticked by.

"Dammit! Stop laughing!! Stop it!!"

"Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

"SHUT UP!!" Jacob grasped the sides of his head and groaned.

"Ahahahahaha ah ah ah ahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" The immensely evil laughter became so loud it made the leaves quiver. Jacob screamed and closed his eyes as steam rose from the puddle.

"!!!!"

"!!!" Jacob roared until his throat was hoarse.

"You call yourself a Wolf! You are nothing but an angry puppy! I shall show you a real wolf!" Alucard chuckled as the tar burst up into a shapeless mass of darkness.

"What the hell?!" Jacob scrambled away from the giant eye that formed. The pupil grew in size and then a black shape poured out of it, like gaseous tears. They then took on the form of a multi-eyed dog's heads with several rows of sharp fangs. "No...No..."

"Let's play fetch!" Alucard growled. A hand rose out of the ground and latched onto Jacobs's right leg. It then turned into a fanged mouth and tore the leg off. Jacob fell onto his back and stared at the little mouth which reverted back to a hand. It then hurled the limb off into the forest.

"This can't be happening!!"

"I say...It seems the dogs are hungry..." Alucard's face rose out of the dark puddle. His mocking laughter drowned out the vicious snarls of his dog heads.

"No...No...!!!!" Jacobs flesh was nothing special, but the beasts ravenously consumed it as if it were a delicacy. All the while Alucard howled with manic laughter.

Seras had dug a ditch and sat in the hole, hugging her knees and rocking back and forth. Her hope of stopping Alucard had now completely diminished...All she could do now was watch him hunt down and slaughter the Cullens...One, by, one...

Such a violent battle!! But read on! There is more to come! There are still a handfull of enemies left for the slaughter!

Please review!!


	5. Round 2: I Saw Myself Die

**Round 2: I Saw Myself Die**

Alucard stared at the bloody puddle that used to be Jacob Black. Bone shards and cut up pieces of internal organs were all that were left. Seras face was green now. She faced away from Alucard and said nothing.

"Police girl...I can hear footsteps..." Alucard signalled for silence.

"Dammit! I'll kill that bastard who stole my Victoria! I'll freaking kill him!" A harsh male voice growled.

"No! You can't! If we try and find him, we'll both- Aaaaggghhh!!" A girly voice responded.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" It was the man again.

"I can see the future based around certain decisions. I saw...I saw..." She trailed off.

"Saw what?! Hurry up and tell me!!"

"We're going to die! Something horrible is going to happen! A demon in a red cloak! He'll torture us and utterly destroy us!! We have to go, like that girl said!"

"Screw her! I'm going to avenge Victoria!"

The two bickering people walked into the clearing. They both stared firstly at Alucard, then at the gory mess around him.

"Don't scream. My ears are already sore from the pathetic squeals of that mutt over there!" Alucard waved a hand at the carnage he caused.

"Is that...Jacob?!" The girl asked, horrified.

"What's left of him." Alucard chuckled. "So, who's next?"

"I am! I'm James, you killer!" The man had a narrow pointed nose and light brown hair. He looked less like a homosexual than the others, but he still was no threat judging from his appearance.

"Big words, but can you really do that?" Alucard asked, smiling with his nasty fangs in full view. The girl shied away and acted in a similar fashion to Seras. It was then that a cruel idea clicked into Alucard's mind. "Police Girl!"

"Yes master?" Seras came out from behind a rock.

"Kill the girl." Alucard pointed to the woman who squealed and dived into the undergrowth.

"What?! I can't kill her! It's my job to save these people!!" Seras rose to her feet and bit her tongue when Alucard stared daggers at her.

"I'm not asking you. Now kill her!" Alucard smirked when Seras hesitated. Seras was shaking. This was insane. She had to think fast. She had to-

"Ok." She whispered reluctantly. She slowly strolled over to the girl who was screaming hysterically. Seras looked into her eyes and frowned. "I'm so sorry." She then punched her in the jaw as hard as she could. The girl nearly passed out, but remained awake, albeit dazed and confused. Seras then picked her up and hurled her deeper into the forest before setting after her. Alucard chuckled and watched until she was out of view.

"Now, shall we begin?"

"Bring it you son of a bitch!" James spat.

"I'm actually the son of a vampire." Alucard joked before shoulder charging his opponent.

Meanwhile, Seras propped up her opponent against a tree trunk. She slapped her and the girl's eyes shot open. "Aagghh!! Please don't kill me!!"

"Shh! I'm here to save you." Seras whispered. "Now, let's get the hell out of here!"

The girl looked confused, but accepted the police girls help. They ran into the bush. "I know where the others are!" The girl said excitedly. "We can meet up and escape together!"

"Sure, by the way...My name's Seras Victoria."

"Alice Cullen." The girl smiled and stoped by a large clearing. "They should be here. Hold on a second." She walked into the open and two people stepped out of a hole in the ground. Seras recognized them from the movie. It was Edward and Bella. She was momentarily stunned, not realising that Alice was waving her over to the group. She crept over to them, a nervous smile on her face.

"Hello outsider." Edward muttered in greeting. He looked quite weak. His skin was so white that a torch would give him sunburn. His brown hair was curly and stood up instead of forming a fringe. He didn't smile at her. He was unsure whether to trust his new guest or not.

"Look, you don't have to trust me, we don't need to be friends, we just need to get out of this forest! My master will try and hunt you all down and-"

"Master? You mean that freak in the red coat is your friend?!" Bella asked, shocked. She had long brown hair and pale skin.

"Yes." Seras admitted. "But I'm going against him. I was ordered to save you."

"By who?" Edward interrogated.

"My boss, Lady Integra Hellsing." Seras explained.

"Don't know her...is she one of the Volturi?"

"What the hell is a Volturi?" Seras tilted her head to one side.

"I'll take that as a 'no'." Edward muttered.

"She's from England, we all are." Seras explained.

"Really?!" Bella exclaimed.

"Yes." Seras said angrily. She had a definite accent, so why didn't they pick up on it?

"Well, I guess you're a temporary friend at the least. Let's go." Edward made his way through the forest. The others followed.

*****

Alucard laughed as James limbless torso flopped about on the ground like a beached fish.

"That was pathetic! You barely lasted five minutes!" Alucard roared. "I grow tired of this! I shall end both our misery."

"What?!" James screamed.

"I can't bare to see such weakness in a supposed vampire, it pains me! I shall end this sad sight and your life with one bullet." Alucard took out his Jackal. The large shiny black gun reflected the rays of light which fell through the tree branches above. "These bullets are 9mm explosive rounds. A tank would be destroyed by a single shot...how will you fare..._Vampire?_" Alucard raised an eyebrow at the dying man.

"You fucking monster!! Vampires are never this powerful!! What are you?!"

"True vampires are just as powerful as I am. You are not true Nosferatu. You are a weak breed of human who has managed to acquire small powers and need to drink blood. You thought you were vampires and gloated about it, thinking it made vampires look cool, but in actual fact you have made vampires a laughing stock world-wide!"

"What do you mean?! The movie sold so many tickets already!" James tried to defend the film.

"You made vampires child friendly! Such a despicable act cannot be forgiven! Farewell, in-bred vampire scum!" Alucard pressed the barrel into James forehead.

"No...Please don't!!"

'BOOM'

Alucard cleaned the gore off of his coat and looked around. He could no longer sense his fledgling. She must have had to chase after her prey. Alucard sighed and morphed into six bats that all flew above the treetops, scanning the area below.

*****

Seras, Bella, Alice and Edward sat by a small fire. Night had fallen quicker than expected. Edward squinted at Seras as if a message was written on her face.

"You don't think any of us will survive, do you?" He asked calmly.

"What?! I don't know what you're talking about?!" Seras said, her face going red. That was exactly what she was thinking!

"I can read minds." Edward explained. "I also sparkle!" He smiled when he said that and his skin began to shimmer like water in sunlight.

"So, what are your powers, Seras?" Bella asked.

"Huh?" Seras turned to her with a blank look.

"Well, all vampires have a special power. What's yours?" Bella leaned close to hear the answer.

"I...I can heal myself..." She whispered.

"Wow. Show us!" Bella looked over at their campfire. "Put your hand in there until it burns, and then heal it!"

"Alright then." Seras did as asked, sticking her hand into the flames. Her skin smelled like burnt steak as it melted away before their eyes. When her hand was blackened, bloody and mutilated, she took it out and let is settle beside her. Black tongues of shadow curled around the wound and enveloped her arm, eventually disintegrating to reveal her arm fully healed.

"Holy crap! That was amazing!!" Alice clapped and the others followed her cue. The whole group laughed.

"Oh look! There are bats out!" Bella pointed into the sky at the six black creatures which flew into a tree nearby. "What are they doing?"

"They...They're melting!" Alice screamed. "Oh no!!"

"What?!" Edward asked fearfully.

"I saw the future! They aren't bats!! They're him!! The demon in a red coat!! Alucard!!"

Everyone screamed, except for the black puddle which formed from the bodies of the bats. The puddle chuckled insanely as it spread towards the group. It stopped short and formed into Alucard. He wiped some of the fluid from his shoulder and then stared squarely at his most hated enemy...Edward Cullen.

"Hello Edward."

"Alucard." Edward scowled.

"It is finally time!" Alucard licked his lips and roared.

Yay! The long awaited battle between Edward and Alucard! It's the final showdown! Twilight versus Hellsing in a magnificent bloodbath that shall decide the future for Vampires! Will they prosper as efficient killing machines, or will they become stars in shitty Chick-flicks? Read the next chapter to find out!

Please review my anti-twilight friends! Share the hatred! If you don't, the next twilight book will be made into a film, and none of us want that!


	6. Showdown

**Showdown**

Here it is, the long awaited final battle between Alucard and his sparkling opponent Edward! This is extremely violent and contains coarse language. Please read and review!

The two vampires glared at each other. The three sidelined women backed away from the silent standoff, dreading the moment when the battle would start.

"Edward Cullen...a vampire presumably..."

"Correct, monster. I am the greatest vampire to ever live. I have strength and speed which surpasses any human and...I can sparkle!" Alucard growled as Edwards whole body shimmered like a moonlit pond. "Isn't it beautiful? It is much more spectacular than you, a miserable dried up creature of the night. You probably don't even style your hair!"

"This conversation is draining me. Let's end it here!" Alucard scowled.

"No, I have time. I could go on and on about my superiority, but I guess the only way an ugly thing like you could understand would be through force. I want to see your blood sparkle in the moonlight!" Edward smirked arrogantly.

"Edward..." Alucard looked to the ground, his shoulders heaving and his breathing ragged.

"What is it, hound of darkness?"

"Vampires..." Alucard trailed off.

"What was that? Don't you know how to finish a sentence you moron!" Edward took a step towards his opponent when the Nosferatu's head snapped up, revealing wide eyes with tiny dots for pupils in his bloodshot eyes. Veins bulged on his forehead and his fangs dripped with saliva. He looked to be the picture of madness!

"VAMPIRES-DONT-SPARKLE!!!" Alucard dashed forward in a move so fast he became a black blur. He barrelled into Edward and hurled him into the ground.

"Edward!!" Alice ran forwards, grasping a sharpened log. She drove it into Alucard's back, but the vampire didn't even notice, his bloodlust had consumed him. Alice's eyes narrowed, anticipating a torturous death by this monster, but he never even turned to face her. Something did grab her though. She spun on her heels to face Seras, a hidden rage flourishing in her red eyes.

"There's only one girl who can lay a hand on Alucard, and that's me!" Seras punched Alice in the jaw and then kicked her in the gut. Alice dropped into the dirt, coughing.

"I...I thought we were friends?" She rasped.

"We were, until you hit my master! An enemy of my master is an enemy of mine as well!"

"Please? Please don't hurt me! I promise not to harm you! I'll run! I'll get as far away as possible and I promise not to tell anyone! Please?!" Alice was begging now. Seras almost thought Alice would kiss her feet, but unfortunately it never happened.

"Fine! Get out of my sight!" Seras kicked her up the ass and launched her a few metres into some shrubs. Alice groaned as she got to her feet and ran. "Well, that was easy- Oof!" Someone tackled her. She was screaming like a cat with rabies. Seras kicked her off of her stomach and glared at Bella.

"You bitch!" The brunette growled.

"You bitch!" The blonde growled.

The two women charged at each other, nails, fists, teeth and hair flying about everywhere. The battle between them was quite vicious, but it was a tea party compared to the main fight.

Edward breathed in ragged gasps, his chest lacerated to a point where his ribcage was almost in full view. Blood dribbled out the corner of his mouth and his sparkly skin was stained by dirt and blood.

Alucard was still in his normal state. He would use little power to kill this most hated enemy. Alucard was practically unscathed, excluding a scratch under his left eye.

"You...Monster!" Edward wheezed.

"Yes?" Alucard chuckled. "I am a monster, Mr Cullen...A true monster! Nothing compares to me, nothing can defeat me, and nothing will ever star in a movie and make me look weak!" Alucard back-handed Edward and sent him into a tree trunk.

"Arrgh! You son of a bitch!" Edward growled through gritted, blood-flecked teeth. "I'll make you pay!"

"For what? Stopping your skin from sparkling?" Alucard walked casually up to his opponent and booted him in his exposed ribs. Strings of flesh clung to his boots and he shook his foot until it fell off. Edward whimpered like a wounded animal and rolled about in the dirt. "You are a sickening excuse for a vampire. I have barely even tried and you are already near death. Where is your superhuman strength? Where are your speedy evasions? You are even weaker than a human!" Alucard spat on the ground near Edwards face, making his foes eyes widen in fear and shock.

"Alucard...you...are the least graceful vampire...I have...ever...faced!" Edward took deep gaps to get air in his lungs. Alucard maniacal laughter made him freeze.

"Grace?! Vampires do not care for grace!! They care for cruelty, for blood, for death! We creatures of the night crave violence! It is our salvation! Not beauty...beauty is for the vain humans! Appearance is nothing compared to strength!"

"You're wrong!" Edward roared, but Alucard silenced him by slamming his boot into his head.

"Then prove it!" Alucard stepped back and waited for Edward to stagger to his feet. He growled in a low tone, his skin beginning to sparkle and causing a shimmering aura around his body.

"Without beauty, this world would a dark wasteland full of death and war!"

"Fool! That is what all vampires desire!!" Alucard braced himself for Edwards's inevitable attack.

"I shall show you the strength of beauty!!" Edward charged, his weak fangs bared and his sparkling skin shimmering in the light. Alucard rested his hands at his side and waited. Edward hit him with a surprising strength. Alucard stepped back four paces and gazed at the dent in his ribcage.

"Impressive. You crushed my lung and heart and broke at least seven bones. That is good, but your aesthetic distractions stopped you from killing me! I shall show you the power of one who does not care for his appearance, but only his task at hand, the destruction of his enemy!!" Alucard roared like a wild animal and drove his hand right through Edwards's stomach, impaling him. Edward gurgled and blood splattered the front of his shirt and Alucard's shoulder. The No-life-king lifted his victim into the air and laughed. "Isn't it marvellous, to stain yourself in the blood of your opponent, to taste their fear!!"

"I...shall...defeat you!" Edward murmured light-headedly. His skin sparkled vigorously now.

Alucard stared distastefully at it. "You are no vampire...because...VAMPIRES DON"T SPARKLE!!!!" Alucard dug his fingernails into Edwards arm and then tore free a patch of the sparkling flesh. He threw it away and roared. "I shall tear away every shred of your sparkling skin!!" And he did just that, smiling maliciously as Edward screamed in agony.

Meanwhile, Seras and Bella were both exhausted. They were covered in dirt, scratches and bruises.

"You fight like a girl!" Bella grunted.

Seras laughed. "So do you, but you don't look like one!" She smiled arrogantly. Bella screeched like a harpy and barrelled into her, knocking her to the ground where she punched her repeatedly. Seras spat out a mouthful of blood and grinned, flicking dirt up into Bella's ace before jabbing her elbow into her gut, winding her. Bella flopped onto her back and Seras stomped on her chest, crushing the wind out of her.

"Slut!!" Bella yelled before her air was knocked out again.

"Pretty words from an ugly girl!" Seras grabbed Bella by the hair and lifted her up to her knees. She then slapped her roughly, creating a loud noise on impact. Bella's cheek went red and she reeled from the hit. Her head bowed down, but she remained on her knees. Seras checked her nails, assuming she had won, but Bella shot out with a punch. Seras tried to dodge, but too the hit in her lower regions. She tripped on her own feet and blushed. "You don't hit people there!! That's just weird!!"

"So it suits you!" Bella kicked Seras in the jaw, knocking her down. "I may not be a vampire, but it seems I'm tough enough to fight them!"

"Bull! You wouldn't last one second against Alucard. Just look at you sparkly-ass lover!" Bella turned to see a reddish mass slumped against a tree beneath Alucard.

"Oh my god!! Where is his skin?!" Bella grasped her mouth with both hands and stared at the bloody mess that was Edward. Somehow he was still alive; he must have been in so much pain right now. Alucard was feeding the sparkling scraps of flesh to the campfire which still burned unaffected.

"Eye's on the prize bitch!" Seras karate chopped Bella's neck and she coughed. She swung her leg out but Seras rolled away before running in for another hit. She drove her fist into Bella's stomach and lifted her up from the ground. Bella screamed as Seras hurled her at the fire. Out of pure luck, Bella caught a tree branch and landed face first a few metres from the blaze rather than in it.

She gasped and coughed as she tried to crawl away from her enemy who casually stalked her. Seras wiped sweat from her forehead and stopped over Bella. She picked her up again and threw her into the flames. Bella screamed as her clothes burnt away and her skin melted and blackened. She rolled around in the dirt to try and put out the blaze. Her hair was completely alight making her look like some kind of fire goddess with flames as hair.

Seras picked up a burning piece of firewood, a thick piece of a branch about ten centimetres thick and a little over a foot long. She held it like a torch as she neared her opponent, and then brought it down with devastating force on Bella's shoulder. Bones cracked loudly and her arm snapped backwards, twisting in a way that was beyond repair. Bella shrieked.

"It's over. I'll finish you now and end your misery!" Seras raised the deadly weapon again, but Bella used her free arm to get a branch of her own. She slammed it into Seras' shin, forcing her down on one knee.

"I...won't...lose!!" Bella pushed herself up but fell back down again. She lay there helplessly. Seras crawled on her knees to Bella and rammed the blunt club into her spine. Bella whined and then lay still. She had been paralysed, but not killed. Seras rolled her over and glared into her fearful brown eyes. She was crying now, trying to play the sympathy vote to live. Seras scowled.

"Puppy eyes won't work on me. You're dead." Seras raised the club one last time and brought it down on Bella's head, crushing her skull and killing her instantly...but that did not stop Seras. She bludgeoned Bella's now malformed head even when she had drawn her last breath thirty seconds ago. She stopped when a mushy puddle was all that remained of her head and crawled close to Alucard who was still fighting Edward.

The skinless vampire was drained completely; He could not resist, merely lay back and allow Alucard to dismember him. After another few minutes of torture, Alucard took out his Jackal. He pressed the barrel into Edwards's forehead and he sighed.

"I have no more time to waste on you. I shall end this once and for all!" The gun clicked and Alucard drew the trigger back. Edward closed his eyes and waited. Nothing happened. Alucard himself looked surprised.

"What? Oh! I forgot to reload it! Sorry, excuse me." Alucard fumbled around, reloading the weapon. Edward watched in silence, his throat so clogged with his own blood he couldn't even breathe. "All done! Here we go!" Alucard placed the gun against Edwards head one more time and pulled the trigger. Again nothing happened. "Oh damn! I have the safety switched on!" Alucard chuckled. "Won't be a mo."

Edward sobbed worthlessly. Alucard's cruel taunts were almost as painful as his torture. He was rubbing salt into the wounds.

Alucard sighed. "This joke is getting old. Farewell, Edward." The sound of gunfire made Edward flinch. He didn't feel anything. Alucard cackled hysterically. "It was a blank round! Ha ha ha!!" He wiped a tear from his eye and shrugged. "Okay, enough fun. This is the end!" Edward expected another joke, but he felt it this time. The cold piece of metal that burrowed through his forehead into his brain. Once in his head, the bullet exploded. Edward's eyes rolled into his head before it too exploded.

Alucard wiped the mess from his coat and walked over to Seras, lifting her up and cradling her like a baby.

"Is it over?" She asked quietly.

"Nearly...there is only one more task to complete...but for that...we must head to Arizona." Alucard closed his eyes and teleported.

*****

Integra sat on a comfy red chair in her office, sipping at a glass of wine. The phone beside her rang and she answered immediately.

"Hello?"

#Is that you miss Integra?#

"Miss Victoria? How is the mission going?"

#Good. Me and Alucard are on our way back now. We just boarded the plane.#

"Did you stop him from killing everyone?"

#I'll be back soon!# Seras hung up. Integra sighed and took another sip at her drink.

*****

OVER CAVE CREEK, ARIZONA

Alucard and Seras looked out the window at the huge fire burning across a large mansion. It had once been the home for Stephanie Meyer, the author of Twilight, now it was a flaming mess.

Seras and Alucard smiled at each other. Nearby, a fridge door was left open in the plane's kitchen. An unattractive brown haired woman lay stuffed inside, a gash on her throat dripping into a large container.

"Mission complete!" Seras raised a glass of red liquid and Alucard raised his own. They clanged their glasses together and drank. Once they were emptied, they laughed hysterically.

Hellsing Special Operation: Twilight – Mission Status: Complete...

What did you think? Write a review. This story has gone far better than what I expected. I thought this would be an ignored story, but it's been very popular. It's great to know that there are so many anti-twilight fans out there. You have all proved your sanity by reading this far. Once again, please review, I want to know what you thought of the story.


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